Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
About Varied / Hobbyist Premium Member SteffFemale/United States Groups :iconthe-golden-butterfly: The-Golden-Butterfly
A new era has begun.
Recent Activity
Deviant for 5 Years
2 Month Premium Membership
Statistics 995 Deviations 8,171 Comments 19,616 Pageviews

About Me






Drawn by rainwolfeh



Let's Hear it for Rock Bottom- The Offspring







Steff| 19| Agender| Pansexual| Capricorn| ISTP| Agnostic

Hi diddly ho neighboreenos! My name's Steff and I'm just a dorky 19 year-old college kid who draws cats in their spare time. I spend a lot of my time drawing and rping cats which you think I wouldn't be emotionally invested in doing but oops you're wrong. I'm pretty busy now a days, and sometimes dA isn't the easiest place to reach me (my wifi is shotty at school). If you want to reach me or get to know me, my Skype name is Steffanosaurus; feel free to add me! Just please tell me who you are.

Note: I am a full-time student studying engineering, so much of my time is spent on school work. If I owe you a reply please do not bug me for one. I'm aware I need to send replies, but real life comes first.

Votre Petit-Loup






Drawn by ddorky

It's almost three am. I meant to be asleep like fucking four hours ago yet here I am. Story of my life really.

Can I just say that seeing that you only have 42 messages right now makes me so fucking pleased like good job Bae because that 20k you had two days ago was fucking just ROLLS EYES AT YOU AND YOUR DORKNESS.

Anyway. It's been way too long since I last wrote in here so I apologize if I get a touch emotional but I mean I'm an emotional wreck anyway so what do you expect.

Holy cow so much has happened since I last wrote goddamn. We've been through shitty friendships and relationships together and dude sometimes I look back on that one month, you probably remember the one, where I just called you on my break and straight up vented for thirty minutes. And you listened and let me and even more is that I felt comfortable enough to express myself that way. Like, I don't usually vent to people and that topic was super fucking close to my heart but just YOU LISTENED AND I STILL THINK ABOUT IT AND IT STILL MEANS A LOT TO ME.

I'm also like 89% sure we talked about you being a stripper and me being a badass marine during that convo so that's a plus.

Then there for a while we were both busy and talking just kinda fell to the side. We'd sporadically text and I never got worried or concerned because you were still there for me and I was still there for you and it was a bit of a dark time for both of us I think but we're still here, we made it. I'm proud of you for how far you've come, bae. Honestly. You went through some shitty stuff a few months back and you're going through some crappy stuff right now but I've got you. Never ever forget that if you ever need me for anything I've got your back.

And then a few months ago Tzu and you and I made our pack and yeah, y'all make me happy. It makes me happy to see you both talking in the Wolfpack chat because it's my two best friends. Fuck man, until you said best friend earlier I hadn't even ... I call you bae instead of steff now because that's - your my bae. That sums up everything you need to know about my relationship with you but remove the title of bae from you and remove the title of love from tzu and I've got two awesome, radically, impossibly wonderful people who I love and care about and trust more than most anyone else. My best friends.

We both said months back that we were stuck with each other and now Tzu is stuck with the both of us and we probably won't always get along, we'll all fuck up eventually but I look forward to this new year with you two by my side. I look forward to our conversations and to our stupid dorky moments and our jokes and this year looks really bright so far and it won't always be, I know that. I know that each of us will fall into a dark spot because that's how life works.

But I've got you, Okay? We're a pack. You're my bae and my best friend and I'm with you till the end, okay?

None one could ever replace you in my heart and no one ever will.

I love you.

now stop complaining about me not updating u r fucking box dork.


:iconpetit--loup::iconwasplz::iconhereplz:
Last edited on 1.9.15


Drawn by rrath
steff is a dork that is all

YOUR BOSOM FRIEND







Ya know what? I am going to write this now, even though writing on this ipad is excruciating because capitalizing things sucks and it's sO SLOW
I hope you're grateful that I love you enough to go through this because i stg

ANYWAY this is going to stay at the bottom of your page ok (edit: why can i not move the custom box to the bottom on the ipad this is stupid
doN'T FORGET TO MOVE IT DOWN STEFF)
we can't let my dumbness intervene with Jay and Fame's beautiful writing (i will refrain from calling her Time for now because then i will have to make a pun and she will probably throttle me, and it would be worth it but that's not really my goal here)

all right here we go
prepare yourself for a heap of gay, Steff

let us start by going back in time almosT FIVE YEARS AGO NOW HOLY SHIT
except actually it's still only like four years
I don't remember what exact day we met - all I know is that it was before I started high school and during my eighth grade year, so it was definitely before summer, but I haven't been able to narrow it down and it's killing me ugh
but little did I know that that day would forever change the course of my life
Was that corny enough??
Good
So yeah, we met sometime back when dinosaurs were still roaming the earth, and that was back when your name was Sugartail (which was such a gr8 username because it made nearly as much sense as Gingerflight does lmfao) and I remember that you were one of my watchers and I was only vaguely aware that you existed because I was such a nooby turd, and then I made that Searunners rp and you joined (and I also remember that before you told me to call you Steffan I wanted to give you a nickname but I had been torn because if I called you Sugar I would also be obligated to call you Honey, Honey; you know, because of that one song - never mind) , and I swear I have no idea what we did during the short time that Searunners existed, but suddenly we were friends???? Honestly, all I remember about that time was Destinypaw making fun of Hannibal for being an ugly fucker, and I'm assuming that's not what began the friendship so

But I still really do not understand why you wanted to become friends with me omg I was such a loser back then
I overused dumb emoticons and was just a huge noob in general, and yet
you wanted to be my friend????
that still baffles me because i honestly want to kill my former self for being an idiot but that would probably kill the current me too if I did that so maybe I won't
The thing is, even though i don't understand why on earth you would want to be the friend of some dumb fricker like me, I am so very, very glad you did
oh god it's going to probably get sappy now
you better not laugh at what I'm going to write, you asshat

I don't think I realized until recently how important you'd become to me, nor how prominent of a figure you'd become in my life. We've known each other for such a long time and fallen into this routine where we just constantly sass each other and give each other dumb best nicknames that I guess it just didn't really hit me right away that WAIT A SECOND STEFF THERE'S A PHANTOM OF THE OPERA COMMERCIAL PLAYING ON TV PAUSE THE SAP
oh my god it was so short but im cry
why do i have to live in the land of hillbillies
why can't i live here where they show commercials for broadway shows on an everyday basis

ok
i am in control of myself again
im sorry
shit i completely forgot what i was going to say
gdi

uH I WILL IMPROVISE BECAUSE I AM THE OFFICIAL QUEEN OF IMPROV
so yeah, do you know how much time we've spent just discussing the most random stuff with each other? I remember I used to look back through our old skype conversations ( actually i think it was skype that brought us close omfg) and just laugh to myself at how ridiculous they were. You never failed to make me laugh, and that hasn't changed even after all the years we've known each other
man, we were just kids back then
i mean, i'm still a kid
ur an elderly woman now
But like, when we first started talking we were both young and vibrant and full of innocence - at least i was, you were probably already thinking of dirty jokes back then - and now i'm going into my senior year and you're going to be in COLLEGE
i am going to text you during school and bug you during all your college classes eheuheuheuheu
before you know it we will be 80 years old and we will still be skyping each other with our old lady fingers omfg

but back to my point
You, Steff, are one of the best things that has ever happened to me, probably even one of the best things that has ever happened to this world aND DONT YOU DARE LET THAT GO TO YOUR SWELLED HEAD
because I really have no idea what I would do without you now
that is like the corniest of all corny things but it's really true
There was this period of time where we didn't get to talk too much because of our hectic schedules, and during that time I was so busy that I didn't really notice. But then when we started skyping each other again after all that, I realized just how much I had seriously missed talking to you. I don't know if I've ever told you this, but you are probably the friend that I've shared the most with over the years. Through all the sassy crap that we spout at each other, I've bared more of my soul to you than what my real life friends have probably ever seen. I dunno, maybe it's because talking over the internet and talking in real life are such different things, but you are, like, my go to personn for everything. You are always so willing to liisten to me rant about my problems, especially my problems with certain people, and when I'm upset i dont actually ssay anything about it, but I stg you always seem to know what I'm feeling because you just say things that make my day SO MUCH BETTER and its like wow how did you even know just what to say
whenever i get an alert that i've gotten a skype message from you (when skype actually boTHERS TO ALERT ME THAT PIECE OF ) I just grin so hugely
yesterday when we were talking about you being Queen Booby I was just sitting there with this goofy smile on my face I guess and my mom was like "vanessa what are you grinning at"
and i was just like "steff" and she was like "oh ok" like even she knows that you're one of my best friends now omfg
in the beginning she used to be ultra suspicious of you because I'm pretty sure I used to pronounce your name as Steff-ahn instead of Steff-en and so she thought you were some guy that was trying to seduce me and i was like "mom if you could see some of the things she called me you would see she isn't trying to seduce me"
and then she thought you were bullying me and i was like MOM NO
i swear
She relaxed after you mailed me that letter that one time you commissioned me
I STILL HAVE THAT BY THE WAY SCREECHES
AND I ACTUALLY STILL HAVE THE ENVELOPE
they're both sitting in my high school musical bucket that i put my treasures in
please do not ask why i have a high school musical bucket
That was such a great letter I love it so much <3

I remember when I got your letter that time I was so excited because until that moment I had only ever talked to any of my internet friends on, well, the internet obviously, and finally I had something that basically yelled "THIS PERSON IS IN THIS WORLD AND IS ACTUALLY SOMEONE YOU CAN CONTACT"
i dunno why, but that letter made that sink in more than skyping you could, and it made me so happy to think that you existed in the same country i existed in like
i can't even explain it
The point is
I know where you live eue
I'm going to go to Pennsylvania one day and just appear on your doorstep and bang on your door until someone lets me in
and then we will go watch phantom and be really dorky together and if your stepdad tries to say anything even relatively condescending to you i will get up in his face and give him the instructions for how to shove your opinion up your ass
except i probably wouldn't do that because im lame but that sounds like a great idea
actually i probably won't even be able to go to pennsylvania because im underage anYWAY

Am i doing this right???
I'm trying to pour out my heart into this but I feel like I'm just rambling honestly
I've never done this before, and I never thought that I ever would
This was always the kind of thing that other people did, not me
I remember that I would always just go to other people's profile pages and all I would see was a bunch of things from their friends who had hacked them and written super long messages proclaiming their undying friendship and love for that person
and i would sit there on that person's profile page and read every single message that had been written for them, word for word
and I would see all the heartfelt feelings that had been put into everything and
i would just feel so immensely jealous
that they were so loved by friends they had never even met
because I knew that that was never going to happen to me
I was never going to have any friends like that who would bother to write anything for me on my profile page, i would never have anyone feel close enough to me that they would want to
because i don't keep friends easily
I don't know if it's something I do or if it just kind of happens, but when I make friends we always drift apart
it's been tried and proven, both with people on deviantart and in real life
they just go away and I never hear from them again, and if I do then they talk to me as though they never knew me
maybe they didn't
so I just tried not to get close to people as a rule, unless it was already too late, because I knew it was pointless
I'm trying to grow out of this, but it's difficult
You can tell it hasn't worked yet based on that one poll I did recently
out of all the people who answered, most people said that I was the friend that they have to get to know better
and when i saw that i felt so guilty because I know that's mainly my fault, since I don't even try
I'm still stuck in that mindset, I guess
even with the close friends I do have I just look at them and wonder if one day I will be the one that will cause us to lose touch, and it is such a horrible, unavoidable thought to me
But I never really thought that way about you
It never even occurred to me that we might ever drift apart, because that way of thinking was just so completely out of the question that I would never allow it to happen
Still, I didn't think that you would ever ask me if you could write a box of gay on my page, and then you did and all I could think at first was "excuse me?" Because no one was supposed to ever ask me that and it didn't quite register at first
but then it did and I was so overjoyed i wanted to cry
obviously I didn't tell you that because that is lame
but when you actually did write that thing on my page and I read it, I actually did cry, I wasn't just telling you that
Partly from laughing at you, but mainly because I was so grateful and thankful that you had wanted to become my friend in the first place because you, my gayby, are quite possibly one of the best I've ever had and ever will have
Some people have a ton of friends that write boxes of gay on their page, to the point where that is all you see when you visit their profiles, and that is wonderful
I just have one box of gay but that is equally wonderful
Even if I never have anyone else want to write another one for me, I will be perfectly happy because I actually have one, and it's from one of the people that I care for the most, and that is more than I could have ever hoped for
i am actually tearing up god im sorry that way sappier than what I originally planned to write

but steff, you are absolutely perfect and don't let anyone tell you differently
not even hannah montana
fuck off, hannah, you don't know shit
you are such a gorgeous human being both inside and out (even if your snapchats are hideous and your mustaches are gay LMAO I KID I KID MY SNAPCHATS ARE WORSE except your mustaches really were extremely gay what a dork you are) and don't you dare let anyone tell you differently
you are such an incredible friend like jesus christ I am so lucky that I got to know you and that our friendship is one where we can just make fun of each other over the stupidest things like typos, and I'm ALSO super glad that we became friends. And I'm not an easy person to become friends with - at least not to this extent, so that says a lot about just how special you are

this is random and off topic but
When you had that allergy thing and I found out about it like way after it happened I was so worried about you and i know this is going to sound awful but at first when I saw that Fame and Jay knew about it before i did at first I was like oh
maybe it's finally happening
that thing where we drift apart
it always happens so this isn't a surprise even though i didnt expect it to happen with steff but i guess that's how it works
and I was so mad at myself for thinking that when you could have fucking died and god I am still pissed that something like that even went through my mind
I was even more angry at myself when you told me that you didn't text me about it because you didn't want to worry me and ruin my vacation
Like, how on earth do I even deserve a friend like you?? You were being considerate because you didn't want me to worry over you
you dork
what do you think I would have done if you'd died and I hadn't even had the slightest inkling about it?
Obviously if I had been aware I would have been having a panic attack from freaking out over your health and well being and over whether or not you would live another day and it would have been the worst thing ever to experience but
i just
you can't just die without saying anything to me
Not to mention my vacation was already partially ruined because of thaT ONE PERSON so you could have worried me all you want
anyway all of that is basically what i was thinking after you told me your reason but I was also just laughing out of relief that you were fine and weren't going to die and we weren't drifting and you hadn't said anything for my sake and gdi you are the biggest fricking dork and i love you so much

you are my precious Steff bby despite the fact that you are older than me and you are that one person that I can always trust to proofread what I write in response to idiots and the one who I can ramble to about how perfect Sierra Boggess is and we are going to meet one day I swear to God
When you're a rich engineer and I'm on Broadway I'm going to invite you out to New York and we will go out and wander around and drink champagne because that stuff sounds delicious and give money to hobos and watch the Fifty Shades musical together and I will take your Phantom virginity and then we can be stupid dorky poops together by crying over Enjolras and Grantaire and Eponine and various fictional characters and wE SHOULD HAVE A TOM JONES DANCE PARTY TOO AND I WILL MAke you play legend of zelda ok??? ok
also we should just watch all the other musicals on Broadway too because hello we will be filthy stinking rich and can afford it
and i will get you tickets and backstage passes to whatever show i'm in and you can come meet all the famous broadway peeps
by that time I may even be friends with someone like Samantha Barks ayyyyy

I am still trying to work up the courage to actually call you because it isn't fair that everyone else in the world has heard your voice and you've heard my voice but I haven't heard yours
Except I really am terrible at talking on the phone
Maybe when I eventually call you I will reach your voicemail and then I can just leave a really dumb message
yes this is a wonderful idea

There is so much else that I want to say to you and about you, like how funny you are and how compassionate and warm and caring and down-to-earth and fabulous you are, and how everyone you meet needs to make an effort to get to know you because if they don't they will be missing out on so much and they won't even know

BUT I have written enough already and just typing all this out was way harder than it would have been on the computer
also I'm multi-tasking and watching American Hustle while doing this and it is very hard to take my eyes off the screen because holy crap the acting is to die for, especially with Jennifer Lawrence so

anywho
you're the best gay buttock that ever existed, and I am proud to call myself your bosom friend and personal gremlin ;u;
Smooches loudly <3333333


:icongingerflight:
Last updated 7/21/14

Queen of Gay Cats





because SOMEONE USED ALL THEIR CUSTOM BOXES, I HAD TO ASK FAME IF I COULD PUT THIS HERE. (Steff edit: NOT ANYMORE HAHAHAHAH)
YOU HAD A LIMIT OF CUSTOM BOXES? HOW DO YOU EVEN?
I NEVER EVEN KNEW THAT WAS POSSIBLE.
ONLY YOU WOULD MANAGE THAT. IT WILL TAKE YOU LONGER TO NOTICE ANYHOW.

I am bad at talking about people because I get 100 ideas of what to say and then I loose all thought.
its bad
watch as this starts and ends as a train wreck.
UHHH
IM SITTING HERE THINKING ABOUT WHAT TO WRITE
YOU THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE ORGANISED?
NO
FIRST OF ALL YOU'RE PERFECT
I AM BAD AT THINKING
WE NEED TO TALK MORE
AND ALL MY THOUGHTS ARE LOST
IM JUST LIKE
UHHH 'SH E HAS PRETTY ART'
'AWESOME CHARACTERS'
'AWESOME LITERATURE'
'AWESOME PERSONALITY'
then I realized I use the word awesome too much
and rethought everything
because I could write so much
but also I don't have the words to EXPRESS THEM ALL
BUT I
AM LOST
I HAVE NO OTHER WORD FOR YOU THAN PERFECTION
ALRIGHT
I AM A GOD, MY WORD IS LAW
EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW
this is no t even much talking
as it is yelling about how perfect you are and how bad I am talking
I think this just proves my point
too bad
I'm not gonna say anything else
because
this is what you're stuck with
-Rath eue

Activity


I fear the emptiness will swallow me whole by Baerrito
I fear the emptiness will swallow me whole
No longer Fatima
Goddess, light
I've become Rusalka
Demon of night

The Paradox- Alesana

:icontgb-earthtribe::iconthe-golden-butterfly::icontgb-earthtribe:
Points to ET
Sorry Ft! I'll give points to you when ET levels up again wompwomp

Ok I need to take a moment to talk about this song. I definitely recommend giving it a listen! Alesana definitely isn't for everyone, but I would highly suggest trying it! I'm not super into this genre anymore (shout out to my youth) but they are still one of my favorite bands. They write all of their own lyrics, which is pretty dang cool. Not only that, but their past three albums have all come together to tell a story! I've never seen another band do that ok that's pretty fantastic. Plus for anyone who really likes Edgar Allen Poe, they do a lot of Poe references in their songs. Their album "The Emptiness" was even written to some of Poe's short stories! Ok I'll stop crying about this band now I'm sorry but not really.

Alright first of all I was highly inspired by I Am The Emptiness by NinjaCheetah by my dear friend NinjaCheetah! This is even the same song Ninja drew to otl 

But yeah I don't think anyone that's rped with Eponine (besides Ninja oops) has seen just what she really is. On the outside she comes off as a spoiled brat, but she's more than that. She's a highly manipulative and cruel thing. I feel like as she gets older she'll become increasingly aggressive, so that's really why I drew this. I would've drawn her with her adult tattoo color, but I want to keep it a surprise! Granted it says on her app that she's a secondary, but I'm still keeping it a secret for now.
How did Eilinos produce such vindictive children? Praise for Nolan and Calista

I love Eponine even though she's a gigantic piece of shit
It's nice to play a nasty character, even if I feel bad typing like everything that comes out of that brat's mouth
Ask Ninja I feel so guilty any time she says something mean half the time I can't even stay in true character because I think what she said is too mean
I'm not cut out to play a nasty character so bs

Look it's the same pose I always use lol
She's so fun to color let me just say
--------------------------------------------------------- 
Everything's gone
Everything's lost
What have I done?
Can it be undone?
Loading...
Sighs into the sun
Hacks a bit
Ok I feel like I should give some updates on things just so anyone who wants to get into contact with me knows what's up. I guess this mainly pertains to those who rp with me tbh

So I have finals the week after this upcoming one. I'm going to be super busy for the next two weeks with studying and doing final projects, so replies may take a long time. I've also been taking a while to reply due to having three papers to write, anxiety and depression flaring up really bad, and that person being in the hospital.

However, some things are getting better. I've knocked out two of my three papers, and I'm working on the third today and tomorrow. My anxiety and depression have been getting back in check, and I'm having an easier time controlling them. Plus, that person is out of the hospital! So a lot of stress is coming, but a lot has also been taken away.

However, it looks like I've contracted pneumonia myself. If I don't have pneumonia it looks like it's bronchitis. So yeah either way I have a respiratory infection. It's been sapping a lot of my energy so replying hasn't been a priority of mine.

Give me a couple of weeks guys
I'll try to reply as soon as I can ;;
Cause all I know is we said hello
And your eyes look like coming home
All I know is a simple name
Everything has changed


Tuari. The name had been etched into his mind ever since he helped her after she fell out of that tree. He had met several cats since he first came to Nandryx, yet there was something about the Pink/Orange-Water he hadn't been able to shake. Her eyes, as blue as the sky, gazed at him in his dreams. There had been something about her, something special.

He had been right, even though it was just on his first impression of her. She became the Yellow-Water, but to him she became so much more. In her he was able to find a piece of him he'd thought he lost. She brought out so many feelings of happiness that he hadn't felt since loosing his sister. Yet he didn't see her the same way he saw his sister.

He remembered how they had raced, the look of utter shock on her face when he somehow managed to win. The way she butted her head against his chest and the way it made his heart flutter. And the confessions they had made..... Tuari had been the first cat he had ever told about his past. And she had told him about hers, about losing her mother to death much like he did. That night they spent together changed everything, and it was one of his fondest memories.

That was the night that she became more than just another friend. She became his first love, and more importantly, his best friend. She was the sun and the stars; she was everything.

I never wanna leave
Because you feel like ecstasy
A seduction becoming a part of me


The first fight and only they'd had had  been nasty. They hadn't seen each other in a few moons, and in those few moons everything had changed for the now Silver-Water. She had lost so much, and he hadn't been there for her. She'd endured all of her pain alone and in doing so had shut down completely.

Seeing that hurt him more than words could ever describe. He hadn't been able to be there for her when she needed it most, and now she was a shell of her former self. He had tried to coax her out of that shell, but she had resisted him, snapped at him.

But that was alright. As she fled he promised that he would always be there for her, never knowing if her ears heard his words of if they were lost in the wind. That was alright, though, as long as he kept that promise.

He remembered her telling him that she was pregnant, how it had hurt him more than the caiman's jaws that snapped at his face. He had been frozen in place for a long time as he tried to process everything. That was the first time he realized how he truly felt about her. Right when he realized what he wanted he had to let go; she was to have a family with someone else.

He promised he would always be there for her and her kits; he would be like a second father to them if she would let him. When she complied he was able to handle things a little better. Even if they could not be anything more than friends, he would accept that.

As long as she was in his life she was happy.

Losing her was blue like I've never known
Missing her was dark gray all alone
Forgetting her was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving her was red


As much as he didn't want to, he still remembered her death. How could he not? It was burned into his memory; it haunted his nightmares.

Her body had been so still and small, and so, so red. She had been drenched in blood to the point where the cream in her fur was barely visible. He remembered how much she hated blood. It was the only thing he could think about at that time, the only thing his mind could truly process.

Deep down he knew she was dying as he groomed her, curled around her in the middle of Earth-Tribe camp. He still remembered the lump in his throat as he assured her that her kits would be there when she woke, and the way she had tried to say goodbye to him. He hadn't allowed it, couldn't allow it. He couldn't loose her too.

And yet he did. Her breathing slowed and her heartbeat stopped. Her sky colored eyes closed forever as his heart shattered. She was gone. His best friend in the entire world, his first love, gone just like that. He didn't know how to function without her, didn't know if he could.

He had never felt so alone.

He had spent an unhealthy amount of time at her grave. He pushed others away from him. So much so that it drove Eileen to leaving the Tribes. He barely ate or slept, just spent time at her grave talking to her as if she was still alive. He couldn't let go of her yet. He wasn't strong enough to face the world without her in it. Losing Asher had been hell, but losing Tuari..... There were no words to describe how much it hurt. But he was alive and she wasn't. He would have to move on.

He didn't know if he could.  

I've traveled near and far
Raced with all the stars
Now alone I'll be
Subtle tragedy
If I had one more
Chance to just explore
I would take your hand
And do it all again


Life was hard without her. Waking up each and every day began to be a chore. And yet he had to; he had become the Yellow-Earth. He needed to be there for his Tribe even if he could barely function. They deserved that out of him.

He saw her everywhere he went, even when he was dreaming. She was always off in the distance, eyes always on him as he padded through the bogs. Her figure danced behind his eyelids as he slept, tantalizing him with the life that could have been. Sometimes he swore he felt her race past him as he was hunting, as if she were challenging him to a rematch. Sometimes he would catch a whiff of her sweet scent and perk up with hope only to remember. Tuari was dead and there was no coming back.

Eileen's return helped him begin to cope with the loss of Tuari. She was able to reach him in a way no other cat had. With her help, he began to let others back in. Charley, Eileen, Isis, Oliver, and Tuari's kits became his reasons to keep going.

He knew she was happy that he was beginning to recover. He could feel it in those moments that she came to see him, a ghost in the realm of the living. She usually came at night. He could have sworn several times that he heard her voice whisper in his ear, yet whenever he woke he wouldn't see her. In a way it hurt, still expecting to see her alive and well. Apparently time couldn't heal all wounds....

Whenever he woke, though, he could catch just a small whiff of her lingering scent. Puddles of water often appeared for no reason, well no reason that most would expect. They were always a silent assurance, a physical proof that she had been there. That she was still there, watching over him.

Those nights that she visited him always hurt more than he'd like to admit. Whenever she did he would still feel that sting in his chest, as though a cat like Mar had smacked him straight in the chest. Even after that time there was still a gaping hole in his heart, one that would probably never be filled. True, it had started to heal over time, but it would never completely heal. A piece of his heart would always be hers, and there would always be that whole that had appeared upon her death.

Once somebody had asked him if he would change things, go back so that he would never have had to feel such pain.

He hadn't ever considered that.
Never.

When he had been asked he simply gave the other a small, sad smile and the shake of his head. "If I knew what would happen I would go back and do it all over again. I will never regret her, no matter how much it hurts."

She was his favorite what if and the best he would never know.

He would never give that up for anything.

I'll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I'll see you again


A year after her death he had a family. He and Eileen became the parents to six kittens, and for the first time in a while he felt completely at ease.

She was there when they were born. He could feel her presence as Eileen screamed obscenities at him, winding around him and giving Eileen whatever protection she could. He knew that Tuari was never Eileen's biggest fan, yet here she was doing all a ghost could to keep her safe and give her guidance.

When it was time to name them he could feel Tuari sitting next to him, beaming with pride. If she were alive she would probably have been purring and playfully head butting him. When he looked at his daughters, he just knew he had to name one after her. Eileen had named their sons after cats she loved, so shy couldn't he?

At first he didn't know who to name after her, or even how to make it work. Yet when he looked down at the oddball of the litter, the little gray kit, she let out a fierce shriek. Well, a fierce shriek for a newborn. He knew she would have a strong, fiery spirit when she grew up. He could already see so much of her in his daughter.

"Tari."

He knew Tuari would approve of such a name.

He was right. During her kithood Tari came to him one morning and told him all about a cat she had dreamt about. She had stars in her light fur and tenderness in her blue eyes. Tari had told him that she said her name was Tuari; she had met his "special dream friend." When he asked what had happened, Tari simply said that Tuari was watching over her as well as him. Hearing that warmed his heart, knowing she would protect them all. She was still there. She always would be.

She was there at the kits' ceremony of light. He could have sworn he saw just a small splash of cream right beside Ashlee as she received her Water-Tribe tattoo. He had laughed that two of his children would go to her Tribe, even though her namesake wouldn't.

It didn't matter though. He knew that she would watch over Tari and her siblings in their new Tribes when he couldn't be there. She would be their heavenly guardian.

When all of our friends are dead
And just a memory
We'll lie side by side
It's always been just you and me
For all to see


She had been dead for almost two season cycles. It was hard to believe that so much time had already passed. So much had happened, and yet things were still the same. She was dead and he was alive; she was there and he was here.

Sometimes he would leave camp in the middle of the night and just sit out in the middle of Earth-Tribe's territory.  Ever since the stars disappeared things were weird; he had been worried that her spirit had disappeared with the stars. So he would go out and search for her star, wondering how she was doing.

He would just sit there and look at the sky, sometimes he'd speak to it and hope that she could hear him wherever she was. He hadn't seen her in a while, and he missed her more than he ever thought he would this long after her death. He missed knowing that she was always there, missed feeling her next to him when things got difficult. Ever since the stars disappeared things had been difficult; he hadn't seen Tuari since before this whole mess began.

He signed and gave a resigned look at the sky, wishing for her to come talk to him. He still missed her, the living her. But he wouldn't get to see her like that ever again, not while he was living anyways. Maybe in death they would be truly reunited; maybe they could both find peace.

He took a deep breath and blinked. He was way too sentimental and stuck in the past. He laughed slightly at himself and stood up, ready to head back home for the night. Before he left he turned back to the sky, blue eyes searching for something they would not find.

"I'll see you in another life."

When our lives are over
And all that remains
Are our skulls and bones
Let's take it to the grave
[TGB| Catharsis]
The end is dawning
The sun is setting on a silent mourning
Our stars aligning as universes shatter time
I'm resisting reality

I remember when, my love
You could stop time with just a smile
Save it for tomorrow my love
I'll regret those words forever more

Catharsis- Alesana

:icontgb-earthtribe::iconthe-golden-butterfly::icontgb-earthtribe:
Points to ET
2080 words

I typed this all on my phone as I'm coughing up a lung be proud of me guys

Ok so OOC Tuari has been dead for one year. So yeah one year ago today my heart shattered. It's been almost two years in game, so I'll cry about that later.

I'm tired and sick and need to study so I'll type more words later
Maybe

Songs used
Everything Has Changed- Taylor Swift ft. Ed Sheeran
The Goddess- Alesana
Red- Tyler Ward
Comedy of Errors- Alesana
See You Again- Westlife
Skulls- Bastille

I rly love Alesana ok

Have fun reading this Jay
Loading...
Shoutout to Fatal Optimist by Alesana
That song describes how I feel rn
Which leads me to the point of this journal

The past few days I've really had to sit down and take a good hard look at things. Well mainly I've had to look at myself.

I've been in a bad place for the last couple of months. Well, four years actually, but the past few months have been pretty rough on me. I keep thinking I'm getting better, only to slip back down into that dark place that I hate. Recently things have been high stress with work and exams, and having someone I love be hospitalized just hit me hard.

I need to explain some background for this I guess. I'm not exactly the type of person who gives away their love very easily. You have to earn it. But when I do love somebody, I am so fucking fierce about it. When I love somebody I would do anything possible for them, and one of the things I've been doing is taking on their pain and placing it above my own. I put those I love before me even when I'm at my worst. So, when they're particularly bad (such as being in the hospital) and I can't do anything for them, I feel the anxiety strike me like lightning. Especially when I cannot be there to physically see that this person is going to be ok I drive myself insane with worry. When there isn't something that I can physically do to make it better I drive myself further down into that hole with anxiety and guilt. I feel like I'm not good enough for them because I can't help.

Saturday night Jay helped me realize that sometimes I have to let people drown; I can't save everyone. It's really hard to sit there and let people suffer, but I need to put myself first. I can't keep pushing myself down to take on other people's problems. It's not fair to anyone, really. It's a huge self-deprecating habit I have, and it's one I'm going to try and break.

I keep slipping back into that bad place. Hell I almost went into complete relapse on Friday night even after fighting the urge for about a year now. I'm proud to say that I didn't, but I'm scared about how close I got. I've had several anxiety attacks recently, and I can't sleep very well anymore. I'm restless but I don't want to do anything besides lie in bed. Hell it took me a while to even try to write this. My motivation is just poop at this point.

I really appreciate everyone that's been sending their love to me recently, even if it's something like asking if I'm alright. Those of you who have reached out to me mean more than I can ever say and I love all of you very much.

I'm gonna try to sleep now I guess
Steff out
I am running on four hours of sleep and feeling really emotional right now

I was exposed to pneumonia and strep throat over the past week, and the person who had it is in the hospital at the moment.
It's not so much that I've been exposed to these illnesses and that I'm not feeling so hot, it's mainly the hospital part. I have an anxiety disorder so I worry incessantly about everything. I am so fucking worried about this person even though they're in the hospital which is the best place they can be and snslekdndnenekdk

I worry when I can't control one aspect of the situation to be honest
When I can't do anything for anyone else I feel helpless, and that really makes me worry a lot

I'm sorry I'm being a worry wart and a turd
But like I said I'm exhausted and I feel sick and everything is making me sad or angry at the moment

Friends





drawn by eliza1star

My Pack


:iconpetit--loup::iconkounix:

Best Friends


:icongingerflight::iconddorky::iconrrath::iconninjacheetah::iconrainwolfeh:

Brotato Chips


:iconbiirdi::iconnovus-feldspar::iconninjaespy::iconeliza1star::iconninjaespy::icongalaxy--princess::iconprawes::iconsophister::iconkarmatastrophe::iconvinscribbles::iconaceofstars16::iconzaabu:

Breakship Club


:iconrrath::iconbaerrito::iconddorky:

rrath is totally a god, totally did not hack Steff's account, totally no.
Just a daily reminder.



drawn by ddorky

My boyfriend thought I was cheating on him with petit--loup because of how frequently we talk and how I always grin like an idiot when I talk to him 

33%
3 deviants said The friendship isn't real unless everyone thinks you're gay for each other
33%
3 deviants said Stay is always OTP this ship will never sink
22%
2 deviants said Plus Jay's in my phone with the heart emoji
11%
1 deviant said I have a lot of I love my best friend feelings rn don't look at me
0%
No deviants said Friendship goals for all of you out there
0%
No deviants said Or you are so hella gay for each other

Hacked 3






drawn by ddorky

7/15/14

So like I decided to hack your account and do this now that you have a new username. I was so sad when you changed it because I barely learned how to spell your other without like needing to open a separate tab and look at it and I was so proud of myself. Then you changed it like just... just why would you do this to me? -plays 'Why Did This Happen To Me' in the background-

Anyway what is there to say, lately I've been realizing just how much you mean to me. Not because I'm naive and thought something really bad could have happened to you with that allergy thing. I started realizing it a while back and when you stopped texting me right after you said your mom was taking you to the ER it really just hit me. I find it a little funny since I'm so reserved and cynical most of the time that in these 8 months that we've been talking (we met back in November omg) I've let you in this little shell of mine that is such a tough nut to crack. And I'm happy I did, because you're such a great person and you hold such and important spot with me.

From like the moment I get up to my phone vibrating and then fall asleep after looking at your text cuz I'm a lazy shit. Though seriously just getting a text from you makes my day. I never thought that doing a request for someone was how I would meet one of my best friends. One of the people that I feel most comfortable around. One of the people that I could just say anything to without feeling like I'm being stupid. Someone I can be myself around. I just want to say thank you for being that person. I'm so happy that I met you and that your one of the people I text on a daily. Just the fact that I can call you one of my best friends is amazing to me.

I know sometimes I can be a little overbearing (I told you I was clingy didn't I? lD) and I know sometimes it can a little annoying but that's just a way of showing how much I genuinely care for you. If something bad every happened to you I feel like I would loss my shit because even though I'm all the way over here in NM I would feel like there was something I could have done in a way. It's kinda a stupid philosophy of mine but for some reason it just stuck there in a way for God knows what reason.

Anyway, just know that your my Steff bby and that will probably never change. You're stuck with me LMFAO. Also don't let anyone tell you that you won't amount to anything because you always will in my book. In my book right now you're one of the greatest people I've ever met and you've helped me grow a little honestly. You're gonna do great things in this life. Never doubt that.

Fame is done for now eue
ddorky:iconwasplz::iconhereplz:


Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go- Wham!





I FOUND THIS PICTURE AND I THOUGHT OF YOU AND ME BECAUSE YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT WHEN I CALL YOU PERFECT AND YOU ARE SO HERE'S THIS PICTURE TO FOREVER REMIND YOU OF THAT OuO

Friends

Groups

Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:iconpetit--loup:
petit--loup Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2015  Student Writer
Mine
Reply
:iconbaerrito:
Baerrito Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
yours
Reply
:iconhollyseven:
Hollyseven Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2015  Student Digital Artist
-clears throat-

Pronoun preferences? :la:
Reply
:iconbaerrito:
Baerrito Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
-Yodels sensually-

I'm fine with any pronouns really! I think most people refer to me with female pronouns since I'm biologically female, which is a ok! But I'm cool with he/his or they/them too vuv

Thank you for asking omg
Reply
:iconpetit--loup:
petit--loup Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2015  Student Writer
EXCUSE ME FAME 

FORGET YOU 

I CALLED CLAIM WHEN STEFF WAS STILL A BABY THANKS 
Reply
:iconbaerrito:
Baerrito Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
U CLAIMED ME LIKE TWO YEARS AGO I THINK
Reply
:iconddorky:
ddorky Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2015
Forget u Jay 
I called claim before you 
Reply
:iconbaerrito:
Baerrito Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
b ut

Jay claimed me like two years ago
Reply
:iconpetit--loup:
petit--loup Featured By Owner 6 days ago  Student Writer
 ^


:|
Reply
Add a Comment: